Misguided Reviews!

Reading audience reviews of vintage horror films on Rotten Tomatoes, you’ll see a lot like this one from Robert P., discussing Creature from the Black Lagoon:

f you want to see a man dressed as a creature from the black lagoon remember this is an old black and white movie with little to no 3D effects. I am giving this movie a 2 star rating!!

Or this one star review of The Wolf Man from Simon D.:

This wasn’t that bad until you got to part where he turned into the Wolf Man, rather than some scary monster terrorising your screens you get a ginger Rolf Harris dressed as a geography teacher mincing across the screen. Very disappointed with this, as it is really supposed to be the scary bit.

And, in both cases, fair points… but also, that is the point. Like, do you really put on a movie from the 1940s, especially one that was perhaps cheaply done even by the standards of the day, expecting legitimate scares?

Anyway, seeing these made us think it’d be fun to write reviews of other stuff with this kind of misguided perspective. And so we did. Here are a few:

Model T - one star

Terrible handling. No pick-up, even with my foot all the way down. Not to mention a really rough ride, and loud too, between the engine and the airflow. An all around unpleasant driving experience compared to my previous Ford, a 2010 Focus.

Non-Alcoholic Beer - two stars

Tasted okay, I guess, but I had to drink, like, 30 of these things just to get a little buzz. And by that point I was soooo full!

Pixy Stix - one star

Wow. VERY sweet, and no real nuance to the flavor.

Candles - two stars

The light quality is okay–kinda warm and natural. But I wish someone would’ve told me that you need a bunch of these things to light a whole house. Also, ugh! Definitely don’t lay one down on its side atop a pile of papers or stuff will get REAL crazy, REAL fast.

Those are a few we came up with. Feel free to write your own misguided reviews in the comments! And, as always, buy some shirts!

Monstrositees by Matthew Shultz

Matthew Shultz was at peace here in this remote lagoon, forgotten by time itself. Then came your intrusion into his sanctuary with your nets and your spear guns and your scientific instruments. Why do you torment him so? He’s a living being, not simply some grotesque curiosity you can exploit for your own fortune and glory! Go! Leave this place! Or you’ll pay a terrible price for your hubris, mark our words! Would be cool of you to follow him on Instagram and checked out his website, though.

Misguided Reviews!

Reading audience reviews of vintage horror films on Rotten Tomatoes, you’ll see a lot like this one from Robert P., discussing Creature from the Black Lagoon:

f you want to see a man dressed as a creature from the black lagoon remember this is an old black and white movie with little to no 3D effects. I am giving this movie a 2 star rating!!

Or this one star review of The Wolf Man from Simon D.:

This wasn’t that bad until you got to part where he turned into the Wolf Man, rather than some scary monster terrorising your screens you get a ginger Rolf Harris dressed as a geography teacher mincing across the screen. Very disappointed with this, as it is really supposed to be the scary bit.

And, in both cases, fair points… but also, that is the point. Like, do you really put on a movie from the 1940s, especially one that was perhaps cheaply done even by the standards of the day, expecting legitimate scares?

Anyway, seeing these made us think it’d be fun to write reviews of other stuff with this kind of misguided perspective. And so we did. Here are a few:

Model T - one star

Terrible handling. No pick-up, even with my foot all the way down. Not to mention a really rough ride, and loud too, between the engine and the airflow. An all around unpleasant driving experience compared to my previous Ford, a 2010 Focus.

Non-Alcoholic Beer - two stars

Tasted okay, I guess, but I had to drink, like, 30 of these things just to get a little buzz. And by that point I was soooo full!

Pixy Stix - one star

Wow. VERY sweet, and no real nuance to the flavor.

Candles - two stars

The light quality is okay–kinda warm and natural. But I wish someone would’ve told me that you need a bunch of these things to light a whole house. Also, ugh! Definitely don’t lay one down on its side atop a pile of papers or stuff will get REAL crazy, REAL fast.

Those are a few we came up with. Feel free to write your own misguided reviews in the comments! And, as always, buy some shirts!

Watching classic movies (i.e. pre-1960s):